The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - Mark Manson

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FALLING DOWN IS AN ACCIDENT, STAYING DOWN IS A CHOICE.

                   - INTELLIGENT INVESTOR

Learn to focus on the important things in life – and screw the rest!

We live in an era of opportunity. Whether we want to choose a career, a partner or the best news source, we have a multitude of options available to us. So why isn’t it pure bliss to be alive? Why are so many of us stressed out and unfulfilled? After all, we should have everything we want.

Well, it is because we are trying to do it all. We have so many options open to us that we end up concentrating on all our different choices and opportunities, all the time. In short, we are spreading ourselves too thin and burning ourselves out.

So what can we do instead?

Whatever you do in life will be a struggle, so you need to find the struggle that’s right for you.

What do you really want out of life?

It is not such an easy question to answer, is it? Sure, many of us will claim that we want happiness, a loving family and a job we enjoy, but these are pretty vague ambitions. And vague ambitions are problematic because they won’t push you to strive for success.

Unfortunately, if you want to get anywhere in life, you will have to struggle. 

Let us say becoming a CEO is your goal. After all, being a CEO certainly sounds cool: just think of all that power and responsibility. And yet, being a CEO is far from a walk in the park.

CEOs regularly put in 60-hour workweeks, they have to make tough decisions and they need to be ready to fire people, time and time again.

Since the struggle is unavoidable, you have to find something worth struggling for. You have to identify what you really enjoy doing. Working on something that makes you happy means you will not only be undeterred by the constant battle; you will start loving it.

The only way you will get ahead is to find a goal that you want to struggle for. However, it is equally important to say no to all the struggles and tasks that don’t bring you joy.

Be ruthless and stop chasing the things in life that don’t make you happy. Concentrate on the few great things – and don’t give a fuck about everything else.

 

Suffering can lead to great things, but if you don’t have the right values, you will never be happy.

Consider the guitarist Dave Mustaine. In 1983, Mustaine was thrown out of his band. Seething with anger at the rejection, Mustaine became determined to show his former bandmates just how wrong they had been.

For two years he worked relentlessly to improve his skills and find the musicians to make an even better band. The band he went on to form was Megadeth, a hugely popular band that went on to sell over 25 million records.

However, despite the success of Megadeth, Mustaine still wasn’t happy. He continued to judge his success against the achievements of his former band.

Unfortunately for him, this band was Metallica. Because he compared himself to Metallica, Mustaine considered himself a failure, in spite of his obvious successes.

Mustaine’s persistent unhappiness highlights a common danger: measuring one’s success against the success of others.

For Mustaine, the only way to feel successful was to be more successful than his former bandmates, which meant he was doomed to disappointment.

It goes without saying that you need to find healthier values to judge your achievements.

So our values are more important than success when it comes to happiness.

Many people tend to focus on shitty values, so it is important to find some good ones to believe in.

We just saw that measuring your worth by comparing yourself to others will only lead to disappointment. And this is just one of many shitty values that can derail you on your path to happiness.

Another shitty value is using your material success as the yardstick for your life. Whether it be-longing after a bigger car than your neighbour’s or flashing your brand new Rolex, this value is incredibly common, and you have probably bought into it at some point.

But it does not lead to improved well-being. Studies have shown that once our basic needs in life are cared for, extra wealth does not increase happiness. And chasing wealth can even have a detrimental effect if we chose to pursue it over, values like family, honesty or integrity.

These good values should:

Be based in reality

Be helpful to society

Have an immediate and controllable effect

Take honesty. Honesty is a great value to live by because you can control it (only you can decide to be truthful or not); it is based in reality; and, because it provides truthful feedback to others, it is helpful.

Some other values that fulfil these three criteria are creativity, generosity and humility.

We often flee when our identity is threatened, but Buddhism can help.

Don’t you just hate those annoying people who always think they are right?

Those smug the know-it-all who, even when you tell them they are in the wrong, simply won’t listen?

Thank heavens you are not like that yourself!

Well, unfortunately, knowing-unknowingly you are.

From time to time, we all suffer from the delusion that we are correct when we are not.

If you want to avoid acting like this annoying people, you have to be willing to ask yourself whether you are wrong, time and time again. Only by doing this can you overcome those blind spots where you wrongly think you are right.

This is not as easy as it sounds; quite often, our false beliefs cover up our insecurities. This means that, by constantly questioning our decisions and actions, we will uncover uncomfortable truths about ourselves.

Luckily, practising Buddhism can help:

Buddhism teaches that identity is an illusion. Whatever labels you give yourself – rich, poor, happy, sad, successful, a failure – are merely mental constructs. They simply are not real and so we shouldn’t let them dictate our lives.

You must, therefore, learn to let go of your identity.

Liberating yourself from an identity can be a wonderful experience. For example, you may have always considered yourself to be a career-minded person, and this has meant that you have always put your job first, and your family and hobbies second.

Free yourself of this constraining self-image, and you will be able to do whatever makes you happy, whether that be spending time with your kids or making model aeroplanes.

You need to accept your mistakes and insecurities if you want to see positive change.

Luckily, you do not have to fall into the same trap. By being ready to question your beliefs and face your insecurities, you can behave in a healthier, happier way.

Romantic love can be destructive unless we learn to control it.

Romeo and Juliet is perhaps the most famous love story in the world. And yet it is hardly a happy one; it is a rather chaotic story, involving murder, exile and blood feuds and it ends with both lovers committing suicide.

The tragic tale of those star-crossed lovers highlights the destructive power of romantic love. Studies have shown that passionate, romantic relationships have a stimulating effect on the brain similar to that of cocaine.

That is, you experience an intense high and then you crash back down. Then, you search again for the high, though not necessarily with the same person – a recipe for pain and anguish.

So what can you do?

Should you give up on the idea of romance altogether? Not quite.

Romantic love can be either unhealthy or healthy depending on whether it fulfils specific criteria. Unhealthy love happens when each partner uses the relationship to run away from their problems.

For example, they might be unhappy with their lives, and so they use their feelings for each other as a distraction. Unfortunately, no one can mask personal problems forever, and so this avoidance-as-passion inevitably turns sour.

Healthy love, on the other hand, exists when both partners are wholly invested in the relationship. Rather than using it as a distraction, they are devoted to each other. 

Rather than concentrate on their own feelings, each partner offers support to their significant other.

However, this support has to be desired. If a partner oversteps boundaries and seeks to control the other, for example, looking to solve all their problems for them, problems will arise. If one partner seeks to dominate the other, this is clear evidence of unhealthy love.

Humans are terrified of death, and so they try to live on beyond it.

You might not like to think about it, but you are going to die one day. This uncomfortable fact, and how we deal with it, has an awful lot to do with how we live our lives.

To fully understand just how much control death has over our lives, we can look to the work of Ernest Becker. Becker was a doctor of anthropology and a bit of a rebel.

Although his unconventional approach and early death limited his academic career, he did write an influential book about dying, The Denial of Death.

In this book, Becker presented two main ideas.

The first is that humans are terrified of dying. Unlike other animals, humans are capable of thinking about hypothetical situations.

We can imagine what our lives might be like if we had chosen to study a different subject in college, or, say, decided to be a pharmacist rather than a teacher.

This ability to hypothesize has a downside too. We can imagine what life would be like after we have ceased to be.

This brings us to Becker’s second main idea – that, since we know we are doomed to die, we try to create a conceptual self that will live on after our demise.

In other words, we spend our limited time seeking out immortality, doing things that will keep us alive through our work.

It is this desire that encourages some people to chase fame, while others may seek to make a mark in religion, politics or business.

This dream of immortality causes problems for society. People’s wish to fashion the world, or at least a part of it, as they see fit has caused war, destruction and misery.

Moreover, it is not healthy for us as individuals. The desperate urge to make a mark causes us stress and anxiety.

Luckily, there is a straightforward solution. We have to stop striving for immortality. We need to stop “giving a fuck” about fame and power, and instead concentrate on the here and now.

Look for meaning in the present and seek to spread happiness and joy where you are.

And not giving a fuck should not just be limited to thoughts of death. As you have learned, trying to be all things to everyone just leads to pain.

If you want to pursue a happy life, focus on the things you enjoy, be it the joyful struggle or a healthy relationship. Everything else is a pointless distraction.

I hope you loved reading this summary! 

Please Note: I have omitted many key points and examples from the book, if you have liked the summary I am sure you will love the book. 

Please go ahead and purchase the book and encourage the publishers. 

Here is the link The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck  (👈 LINK) 

 

 Summary of Summary:

Learn to focus on what is important for you, Remember you have limited time and trying to do everything and trying to keep everyone happy is beyond reality. So rather focus on a few important people and a few important things

Focus only on the things that really matter to you, it is extremely important to say “NO!” to everything else.

FOMO – The Fear of Missing Out – keeps us stressed, but the truth is, we will miss out on things no matter what. You cannot have the perfect career, lots of family time and countless hours to spend surfing waves on a sunny beach. It is more important not to miss out on the right things.

Avoid finding happiness in material things, it is a never-ending vicious cycle. Example: If you buy the latest cell phone, (assuming it will make you happy, well it will give you temporary happiness) soon it will be outdated, and your friends and near ones will have a better and latest device. The only lasting effect is the damage it will do to your pocket.

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Dear Readers,

This blog is my personal attempt to help you.  If you find this article to be helpful, kindly share it with your near and dear ones.

I would be very glad to hear your feedback, in fact, it will motivate me to continue my journey of, Blog and Teach.

Thanks for reading, I hope you apply some or all the lessons learned and become a better person consistently.

All the best!! 👍👍👍

Cheers 🍹